My name is Lyndall and I have an obsession. I haven't found an 'anonymous' group that is ready to hear my guilty confession. I'm not even sure one exists. So you, dear innocent reader, are to be from this day forward, the receiver of my deep disclosures. And you'll also be the giver of your own. (Yes of course you have a choice in that...but for the sake of my obsession, I'm really hoping you'll choose to go with it).
Imagine yourself if you will, seated in a circle of other highly impressive but at the same time, completely ordinary and sometimes even boring human beings. (I understand. I get it. I hear your internal cry, "I hate being ordinary - I want to be special!" But let's be honest, no matter who you are, how much money you have, what job you do...we all poo and wee and fart. And it's important to my obsession that we keep that in mind).
To the right and left of you, are people whom you are yet to meet or engage with. Because you're feeling a little weird about being amongst a group of strangers and wondering why exactly you're here, your mind is rife with judgment of those around you - based on any detail you can lock onto. Maybe it's the white shoes and black stockings they somehow decided was the best choice for today's special event. Or the very chic man-bun that is missing a little yeast, or maybe it's the blue eyeshadow and make up line under their chin that they just haven't blended properly. Let's be honest. You're furtively searching (and unapologetically scorning) the minutiae of each person based solely on what immediately jumps to your anxious eyes. Each of us sits quietly waiting our turn - our minds turning over all of the funny lines that we could open with. Our hands clenched tightly in our laps. We all start in the same way. "My name is [insert your name], and I am...". We enter my obsession together.
One part of my obsession relates to food courts. To be honest, I'm not a particular fan of the actual food at food courts- (other than perhaps the more fancy pants delights of a venue like Melbourne's Emporium). I can assure you though, oh yes I can, that there is something much more alluring about the food court experience than the food you find there! Another part relates to the never ending delights of reality television (and hold your very special horses my friend, this is sometimes even regardless of how it is edited!) (Yep, you got it. I'm liv-ing on the edge!). And at a whole other level of my obsession, there's the bit where I actually get paid to have the privilege of indulging in my most precious fascination.
So I'm now hoping that I've fired up your thinking sufficiently to be wracking your brain for the connections and meaning. What do food courts, reality television and whatever this chick gets paid to do have in common? And in particular, what could be so common and yet outstanding about these things that someone has actually taken the time to write a blog on it. And why should you care anyway?
So here's the thing. Remember that circle that you were plopped into at the beginning of this blog with with all those strange people? Remember how each of you were holding your breath and waiting for me to disclose what exactly this serious obsession is? Well what you need to understand is that you are, in fact, just it. You, my fellow human, are my secret obsession.
Every single one of you holds a story that, up until now, few people if anyone have ever heard or understood. Inside that story are the secret, juicy details that, when you add them altogether, make up the person who sits there today. The person beyond the white shoes and the man bun. It is the story of their lives and loves, their triumphs and disappointments, their anxieties and their delights. The stuff they know and the big bits that completely do their head in. It is about what makes them laugh, cry, relate, speak, listen, engage, play, anger, ignite in the way that they do. And it's the same for you. You have a story like that too - and so do I. Just like a Thai market stall...same same, but different.
In case you're still confused, I'll just come straight out and say it like it is. I'm obsessed with people. I am the person who you'll catch curiously watching you as you chow down on your dumpling. I'll look away at first. I might even go a bit red in the face. But regardless of anything else that happens, I'll always and forever be fascinated by you and your story. And to be 100% honest (because that's what we do in circles like these) that's just the tip of the iceberg.
You are not my only obsession. (I know that must be a relief - after all, we're still sizing up each other's choice of outfits). What really gets me going, what cooks my veges more than anything else in the world, is my desire for your story, and the story of everyone else who sits in that circle to be better understood, less judged against some ridiculous perfectionist paradigm, and held with greater empathy.
So how it's going to proceed from here is this. While I'm waiting for you to take your turn to share your story, I'll start by sharing some of what I've learned about people while sitting and indulging in my obsession. Sometimes it will be stories from the food court, often it will be based on what all of us can see and understand if we look a little more closely at reality television. And in general, it will be about trying to get a better grip on just how spectacular and intriguing we human beings really are. Because I believe that once we get a grip like that, we stand a much better chance of getting through this wild ride of life in significantly better shape. What say you?
Thursday, 14 April 2016
Relationships and experts and not helping at all...
So let me introduce you to a newly established couple. We'll call them Jono and Clare. When they first met, Jono wasn't all that keen on Clare. Not because there was anything particularly wrong with Clare, but she just didn't meet his criteria for what his perfect match looked like. Fast forward a whole week (well actually, probably only a couple of hours), and Clare's ability to make Jono laugh made her a whole lot more attractive than she initially appeared. In fact, he was a bit smitten.
Clare was into Jono from the word go. And once Jono got up to speed in the attraction stakes, both of them thought that those who had set them up (let's call them 'the experts') had done a great job. "Maybe the experts know me better than I know myself!" they exclaimed. And right about now, your alarm bells should be ringing like crazy - especially if your name is Jono or Clare.
[It is time for a cautionary piece in square brackets: If you're following the latest series of Married at First Sight (#9married), some of the details here might sound remarkably familiar 😜. If that's the case, I'm hoping that you'll find what follows to be an interesting and possibly different perspective on what this show can offer us. Loads of people struggle in relationships - here's a chance to learn, and grow and create new experiences. (Except for the fact that's not how #9married really works) 😱. And, if you're not into the show, but you're in a relationship, would like to be in a relationship, or have ever been in a relationship, then you still might find enough in the following paragraphs to keep reading. Either way, please let me know what you think at the end 😏]. Anyway, back to the point of this blog.
Much is made of Clare and Jono's physical attraction (or immediate repulsion on Jono's part) as a deciding factor on (a) whether they are a good couple (b) whether they should stay together or will last the distance and (c) whether the experts have done a good job. In my view we could add (d) whether in fact what these experts are doing is actually helping people who are trying to find long
and lasting relationships.
The truth is, you could find your partner as sexy as a calendar full of half dressed firemen (or the appropriate male equivalent), but if you haven't got a grip on yourself and how you operate in relationships, then it's all going to go south very quickly (and not in the sexy south kind of way).
So...Clare and Jono. As another sort of relationship expert (like one where we actually work with the couples to help them find their way through the quagmire)(I know, radical idea right 😁), it was pretty clear to me that they were going to run into problems from the minute that Clare needed to use her humour to manage difficult intimate moments. And that was made even more clear by the fact that she needed to use that MO a lot. In fact it's become a bit obvious that Clare's emotional responsiveness swings between finding things funny and therefore making fun of either herself or Jono (and usually Jono) or misinterpreting his responses to mean he is launching some sort of attack against her.
Without any judgment intended whatsoever, Jono is pretty simple. There is not a hidden agenda in his messages, he's just saying it as he sees it or feels it. The unfortunate piece is that his honest response seems to trigger something in Clare that leaves her feeling either let down or judged by Jono. It doesn't seem though, as if Clare has a good handle on how that whole dynamic works - suffice to say though, it has her coming across as a bit cray cray at best.
Side bar: one of the most important things for us to understand when we are in relationship is what it is our partner does or says that provokes an unhelpful response in us (and vice versa), what would actually help us to have a new or different experience, and how we go about asking for that new or different experience and/or give it. Sounds pretty simple eh? Well no. Not at all. That's why we even need blogs like this (or therapy or both)!!!!
So how exactly does a lack of personal awareness and self regulation play out? Well, take for example, the honeymoon. There is a theory doing the rounds of reality television that in order to increase attraction (or more broadly, to get human beings to bond and really show up) you should submit yourself and your loved one to adrenalin charged experiences to have you connect. So, perhaps with this in mind, Jono and Clare took off on a canoe ride through crocodile infested waters. The net result was, to put it as it was, Jono was shitting himself. He clearly articulated his terror of all things croc, he didn't try and cover it up or gloss over it. He was struggling and he let Clare know. (Vote Jono for a man in touch with and able to articulate his feelings 😀).
Now for some of us, seeing our partners in an emotionally vulnerable state is sufficient to generate a sense of sympathy at least. We might ask them if they want to cancel the canoe trip. We might sit and try and understand what is happening and what they need in order to deal with it. We might be willing to work with our partner to offer a new experience of themselves and being in relationship - by not making their emotional issue all about us. Or we might, as Clare chose, laugh at them and call them a bitch and make him sleep in a t shirt with a croc on the front. And then continue to raise the subject in the days after as if it had all been a huge joke and one that Jono should be able to just laugh along with. She took her response from the 'Get Over It' School of Fear Management. As if fear is that easy to get over (as Shane Warne so poignantly demonstrated recently on #ImACelebrityAU).
The problem here, as Clare might have you believe, was not that Jono needed to grow up and stop overreacting over any issue that upsets him. The problem was that for some reason, clearly unknown to Clare (or if she did know about it, she was unable to manage it well), she was uncomfortable with Jono's emotional expression and clearly wanted him to stop.
And then there was the conversation over what might have been too many wines - unfortunately Clare managed to take offence at Jono's conversation about his view on the importance of looking after oneself physically. By talking about his commitment to his gym regime, and in a way that at this stage makes sense only to Clare, she decided that Jono was saying that she was fat (trigger music from a time long ago and far way where Clare's body image started to be a problem for her). Now in a nod to the cray cray, Clare wasn't as obvious about her (mis)interpretation as she might have been, and she instead turned it into a conversation about how she couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't let herself go a bit when she has children (which at this stage is a very maybe future and therefore fictitious event). Understandably confused by what was going on and why Clare had become so agitated, Jono took his turn to become agitated and angry over what he perceived to be an unfair attacking from Clare. From that point on, the conversation between them became about Clare trying to prove that Jono's emotional responses (aka anger and frustration in his confusion about what had gone wrong) needed to be altered. And further more, if he didn't change his behaviour then that just proved that she was 32 and better than him.
(Yes, it's hard to understand. Why? Because neither party is actually talking about the same experience. Even though it might seem like it.)
Clearly trying to have this sort of conversation, where Jono felt like he was being told he was wrong for something he actually wasn't trying to say was never going to be a successful strategy for Clare and an even more confused and angry Jono. The answer? He moved out. Not unreasonably.
And here is where I have to intervene and lodge a complaint on behalf of Jono and Clare. I understand that, apart from the early meetings where the experts looked in their wardrobes and asked them questions and had them smell each other's t shirts (?????), the experts were not involved in helping the couples to work through the difficulties that emerged for them as the relationships proceeded. (And let's be honest, these are issues that were ALWAYS going to emerge regardless of any other criteria they use for matching the players). What is really clear from an educated outsiders perspective, is that what both Clare and Jono could use, at this point, is someone who can help them understand what the hell is going on, and how to work through it.
It is completely understandable that for some reason, Clare has an issue with anger in her relationships - or more particularly, her partner being angry. (Yes, the irony of Clare's own anger in this regard is not overlooked). What is not clear is what those reasons are, what Clare had decided to do about those reasons, and how she has coped (or not) with whatever those issues were. The fact that she was single coming into the show probably has very little to do with the stories she might tell herself about her attractiveness based on her weight. It is much more likely that what is happening is that she is unable to emotionally connect to her partners because she has these no go zones in her own emotional states and the states of others. Clare deserves some empathy around whatever these issues are, and she needs to develop some insight for herself so that she has some more workable management strategies at her disposal.
All of us have a history of relationships. That history started from our very first relationship - with our parents and particularly our mothers - at least initially. In order to really get a handle on how we respond in relationships, what is healthy and unhealthy about us in that respect, what works and doesn't work, what choices we could make that might work better, we have to take a good look at our relationship skills and dynamics. And from there, learn how to do it differently.
So unless Jono is a miracle worker of sorts, it is highly unlikely that he is going to be able to help her through these issues in the eight week season of the show. And it's a bit unfair to expect (especially on the part of the experts) that he might. And then it will be really unfair to say the relationship ended because of any one person's fault in particular (because if I look into my crystal ball, that will be the likely outcome without any intervention).
Jono too has his own issues going on and in some respects, Clare is probably right - he does need to generate greater resilience and to choose whether every situation that he finds difficult is worthy of receiving the Jono stamp of disapproval in exactly the same way. But if we're not going to work with Clare's difficulties, we're not going to deal with Jono's either.
So let's draw a few threads together. I'm sure that you've all heard of (or been *gulp*) people who've felt that in order to feel 'whole' and 'complete', their only strategy is to get themselves all coupled up and that will be the answer to everything. The truth is, as a teacher of mine once said, it's only in relationship that we know ourselves. So you can have absolutely everything going for you as a singleton. But when you do finally find that special someone, you need to be seriously prepared for all of your relationship shit to come to the foreground. And this is regardless of how sexy you find them.
The only way you can guarantee success in relationships is to work on knowing yourself better than you attest to knowing 'them'. I'm not entirely sure that any of the couples could really say that knowing themselves and having a degree of personal mastery is their number one skill. They are very well equipped to talk about what went wrong in their previous relationships, but not really about how that impacts upon their communication and relationship styles in the here and now, right down to how they can completely misread and misinterpret relational situations they are in. (And if I was one of the experts, currently batting off a 25% success average, I'd be busting my gut to try and increase those numbers by actually bloody helping the poor punters increase their own odds).
P.S. Don't even get me started on how on earth a newly established couple where one runs their own business in Sydney and the other is a farmer in regional Victoria stand a chance. Talk about intentional sabotage!!! In fact yes let's! Let's talk about intentional and unconscious sabotage. Come back soon to get on top of that little juicy morsel. Until next time!!!!
Clare was into Jono from the word go. And once Jono got up to speed in the attraction stakes, both of them thought that those who had set them up (let's call them 'the experts') had done a great job. "Maybe the experts know me better than I know myself!" they exclaimed. And right about now, your alarm bells should be ringing like crazy - especially if your name is Jono or Clare.
[It is time for a cautionary piece in square brackets: If you're following the latest series of Married at First Sight (#9married), some of the details here might sound remarkably familiar 😜. If that's the case, I'm hoping that you'll find what follows to be an interesting and possibly different perspective on what this show can offer us. Loads of people struggle in relationships - here's a chance to learn, and grow and create new experiences. (Except for the fact that's not how #9married really works) 😱. And, if you're not into the show, but you're in a relationship, would like to be in a relationship, or have ever been in a relationship, then you still might find enough in the following paragraphs to keep reading. Either way, please let me know what you think at the end 😏]. Anyway, back to the point of this blog.
Much is made of Clare and Jono's physical attraction (or immediate repulsion on Jono's part) as a deciding factor on (a) whether they are a good couple (b) whether they should stay together or will last the distance and (c) whether the experts have done a good job. In my view we could add (d) whether in fact what these experts are doing is actually helping people who are trying to find long
and lasting relationships.
The truth is, you could find your partner as sexy as a calendar full of half dressed firemen (or the appropriate male equivalent), but if you haven't got a grip on yourself and how you operate in relationships, then it's all going to go south very quickly (and not in the sexy south kind of way).
So...Clare and Jono. As another sort of relationship expert (like one where we actually work with the couples to help them find their way through the quagmire)(I know, radical idea right 😁), it was pretty clear to me that they were going to run into problems from the minute that Clare needed to use her humour to manage difficult intimate moments. And that was made even more clear by the fact that she needed to use that MO a lot. In fact it's become a bit obvious that Clare's emotional responsiveness swings between finding things funny and therefore making fun of either herself or Jono (and usually Jono) or misinterpreting his responses to mean he is launching some sort of attack against her.
Without any judgment intended whatsoever, Jono is pretty simple. There is not a hidden agenda in his messages, he's just saying it as he sees it or feels it. The unfortunate piece is that his honest response seems to trigger something in Clare that leaves her feeling either let down or judged by Jono. It doesn't seem though, as if Clare has a good handle on how that whole dynamic works - suffice to say though, it has her coming across as a bit cray cray at best.
Side bar: one of the most important things for us to understand when we are in relationship is what it is our partner does or says that provokes an unhelpful response in us (and vice versa), what would actually help us to have a new or different experience, and how we go about asking for that new or different experience and/or give it. Sounds pretty simple eh? Well no. Not at all. That's why we even need blogs like this (or therapy or both)!!!!
So how exactly does a lack of personal awareness and self regulation play out? Well, take for example, the honeymoon. There is a theory doing the rounds of reality television that in order to increase attraction (or more broadly, to get human beings to bond and really show up) you should submit yourself and your loved one to adrenalin charged experiences to have you connect. So, perhaps with this in mind, Jono and Clare took off on a canoe ride through crocodile infested waters. The net result was, to put it as it was, Jono was shitting himself. He clearly articulated his terror of all things croc, he didn't try and cover it up or gloss over it. He was struggling and he let Clare know. (Vote Jono for a man in touch with and able to articulate his feelings 😀).
Now for some of us, seeing our partners in an emotionally vulnerable state is sufficient to generate a sense of sympathy at least. We might ask them if they want to cancel the canoe trip. We might sit and try and understand what is happening and what they need in order to deal with it. We might be willing to work with our partner to offer a new experience of themselves and being in relationship - by not making their emotional issue all about us. Or we might, as Clare chose, laugh at them and call them a bitch and make him sleep in a t shirt with a croc on the front. And then continue to raise the subject in the days after as if it had all been a huge joke and one that Jono should be able to just laugh along with. She took her response from the 'Get Over It' School of Fear Management. As if fear is that easy to get over (as Shane Warne so poignantly demonstrated recently on #ImACelebrityAU).
The problem here, as Clare might have you believe, was not that Jono needed to grow up and stop overreacting over any issue that upsets him. The problem was that for some reason, clearly unknown to Clare (or if she did know about it, she was unable to manage it well), she was uncomfortable with Jono's emotional expression and clearly wanted him to stop.
And then there was the conversation over what might have been too many wines - unfortunately Clare managed to take offence at Jono's conversation about his view on the importance of looking after oneself physically. By talking about his commitment to his gym regime, and in a way that at this stage makes sense only to Clare, she decided that Jono was saying that she was fat (trigger music from a time long ago and far way where Clare's body image started to be a problem for her). Now in a nod to the cray cray, Clare wasn't as obvious about her (mis)interpretation as she might have been, and she instead turned it into a conversation about how she couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't let herself go a bit when she has children (which at this stage is a very maybe future and therefore fictitious event). Understandably confused by what was going on and why Clare had become so agitated, Jono took his turn to become agitated and angry over what he perceived to be an unfair attacking from Clare. From that point on, the conversation between them became about Clare trying to prove that Jono's emotional responses (aka anger and frustration in his confusion about what had gone wrong) needed to be altered. And further more, if he didn't change his behaviour then that just proved that she was 32 and better than him.
(Yes, it's hard to understand. Why? Because neither party is actually talking about the same experience. Even though it might seem like it.)
Clearly trying to have this sort of conversation, where Jono felt like he was being told he was wrong for something he actually wasn't trying to say was never going to be a successful strategy for Clare and an even more confused and angry Jono. The answer? He moved out. Not unreasonably.
And here is where I have to intervene and lodge a complaint on behalf of Jono and Clare. I understand that, apart from the early meetings where the experts looked in their wardrobes and asked them questions and had them smell each other's t shirts (?????), the experts were not involved in helping the couples to work through the difficulties that emerged for them as the relationships proceeded. (And let's be honest, these are issues that were ALWAYS going to emerge regardless of any other criteria they use for matching the players). What is really clear from an educated outsiders perspective, is that what both Clare and Jono could use, at this point, is someone who can help them understand what the hell is going on, and how to work through it.
It is completely understandable that for some reason, Clare has an issue with anger in her relationships - or more particularly, her partner being angry. (Yes, the irony of Clare's own anger in this regard is not overlooked). What is not clear is what those reasons are, what Clare had decided to do about those reasons, and how she has coped (or not) with whatever those issues were. The fact that she was single coming into the show probably has very little to do with the stories she might tell herself about her attractiveness based on her weight. It is much more likely that what is happening is that she is unable to emotionally connect to her partners because she has these no go zones in her own emotional states and the states of others. Clare deserves some empathy around whatever these issues are, and she needs to develop some insight for herself so that she has some more workable management strategies at her disposal.
All of us have a history of relationships. That history started from our very first relationship - with our parents and particularly our mothers - at least initially. In order to really get a handle on how we respond in relationships, what is healthy and unhealthy about us in that respect, what works and doesn't work, what choices we could make that might work better, we have to take a good look at our relationship skills and dynamics. And from there, learn how to do it differently.
So unless Jono is a miracle worker of sorts, it is highly unlikely that he is going to be able to help her through these issues in the eight week season of the show. And it's a bit unfair to expect (especially on the part of the experts) that he might. And then it will be really unfair to say the relationship ended because of any one person's fault in particular (because if I look into my crystal ball, that will be the likely outcome without any intervention).
Jono too has his own issues going on and in some respects, Clare is probably right - he does need to generate greater resilience and to choose whether every situation that he finds difficult is worthy of receiving the Jono stamp of disapproval in exactly the same way. But if we're not going to work with Clare's difficulties, we're not going to deal with Jono's either.
So let's draw a few threads together. I'm sure that you've all heard of (or been *gulp*) people who've felt that in order to feel 'whole' and 'complete', their only strategy is to get themselves all coupled up and that will be the answer to everything. The truth is, as a teacher of mine once said, it's only in relationship that we know ourselves. So you can have absolutely everything going for you as a singleton. But when you do finally find that special someone, you need to be seriously prepared for all of your relationship shit to come to the foreground. And this is regardless of how sexy you find them.
The only way you can guarantee success in relationships is to work on knowing yourself better than you attest to knowing 'them'. I'm not entirely sure that any of the couples could really say that knowing themselves and having a degree of personal mastery is their number one skill. They are very well equipped to talk about what went wrong in their previous relationships, but not really about how that impacts upon their communication and relationship styles in the here and now, right down to how they can completely misread and misinterpret relational situations they are in. (And if I was one of the experts, currently batting off a 25% success average, I'd be busting my gut to try and increase those numbers by actually bloody helping the poor punters increase their own odds).
P.S. Don't even get me started on how on earth a newly established couple where one runs their own business in Sydney and the other is a farmer in regional Victoria stand a chance. Talk about intentional sabotage!!! In fact yes let's! Let's talk about intentional and unconscious sabotage. Come back soon to get on top of that little juicy morsel. Until next time!!!!
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